Scaredy-Cat!

This morning on way to the subway, and the job I both dread going to and losing, I began thinking about fear. Namely, why I’m so plagued by it. I’m afraid of going to work, because the minutes creep by painfully slowly. I’m afraid of being laid off/fired, because without a paycheck I could end up on the street, without insurance. (Thanks, Captain Obvious). I fear getting jowls, because I’m quite sure with each passing day my face is sinking at a speed that would far eclipse Venice. I’m afraid of growing old alone, because even though I love not having to deal with in-laws and the toilet seat being up, the spectre of the Old Maid in the game of Fish I played with my grandmother is always looming.

FDR famously said “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” Which I have always thought of as one of the most ridiculous quotes of all time, because of the circular logic it invites. Be afraid of being afraid, so you won’t be afraid. Yeah, that makes sense. I feel so much better now.

The basic biology of fear is pretty well known. Fear triggers the fight or flight mechanism, the body is flooded with adrenaline and norepinephrine, I remember this from basic Biology class without having to Google it. And it has an evolutionary purpose, because without fear, well, basically every animal species would be extinct; they just all prey upon one another, or something like that. So fear is essential to the survival of the Kingdom Animalia. One day we’ll all be taken over by insects anyway, but forget that, I digress.

So fear is useful. Logic would have it that fear, of course, is used as a tool by everyone from demagogues to the mass media. Terrorism! Obesity! Cancer! Heart attacks! Cellulite! Wrinkles! North Korea! When all else fails, it’s a proven way to manipulate people. Better watch out, cause like FDR warned, fear is gonna get ya.

Knowing the biology of fear, its evolutionary purpose and its utility is, in the end, not very comforting, right? I don’t sleep any better at night knowing that the same feeling that invites my anxiety also enables me to (possibly) escape from potential predators. Is there anything to take away from this?

Well, several years ago, after breaking up with my live-in boyfriend, I decided to do something that had long since scared the bejeesus out of me. I went to Europe alone. Friends told me I was crazy. I didn’t know the language, I would just be lonely, suppose I got lost, suppose I was knifed in an alley somewhere - who would know to look for me? In an act of bravery (or folly, if you consider that I couldn’t really afford it), I followed the self-help book prescription to Face My Fear Head On. I went to Berlin and Prague. And I didn’t know the language. And I got lost. And I was lonely at times. But it was also one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

Doing what I had always told myself I would never be able to handle (all my life I have had an almost paralyzing fear of being alone) was perhaps my shining moment, if such a trite notion still retains any descriptive power whatsoever. Thank you, Fear, because without you, that would have been just like any other trip - fun, interesting, memorable, but bereft of what I can best call emotional resonance. (And besides, now I can scoff at those who are afraid to travel alone. How ridiculous! You’re too codependent to spend a week with yourself? Really now.)

So in a way, I guess am indebted to Fear. Sure, it’s a dysfunctional relationship, but there are those moments when I’m grateful for it. Sure, it’s gifts come with major strings, but really, what gifts don’t?

Not that this means I’m ever going to ride a roller coaster.

Autumn

Beware
The dusk is drawing close
I play hide and seek with my truths
And hope I have night vision